Friday, February 29, 2008

Pygmy Kangaroo

Witness, the "Pygmy Kangaroo". I discovered this unfortunate parody article on Wikipedia this morning, and tagged it for deletion. I say unfortunate, because it managed to stick for 10 days!

Look at this bizarreness:
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Subclass: Marsupialia
Order: Diprotodontia
Suborder: Macropodiformes
Family: Macropodidae
Genus: Macropus
Species: Richnelson

The pygmy kangaroo was an experiment gone horribly wrong by Dr. Ian Wilmut, creator of the Dolly the Sheep experiment, which coincidently resulted in lots of dead sheep. It's "indigenous" to portions of the Kimberly outback region of Australia, where drunk aboriginals insist it has existed and infested their numerous bars for generations.

Horribly Wrong Creation

The well-known creator of Dolly the Sheep lost his notoriety after Dolly died of her numerous cancers, and grew bored quickly. The popular children's indoctrination program "Pocket Monsters" inspired him to try to create his own battle monsters and potentially asfixiating traps for said monsters. After inventing the poscket bear-trap, he deemed it necessary to genetically engineer something to have it's leg severed by afforementioned bear-trap.

After several days of excrutiating constipation, he was informed that he must lay off of the red meat, particularly that of endangered marsupials, or interpol would break his legs. He decided that bite-sized kangaroos would solve both problems, and quickly set to work slaughtering the necessary creatures. The project was funded by the publishing of a little known (or cared about) book called "The Green Hills of Australia", in which he graphically depicted an incident in which he bludgeoned a baby koala to death. This would have created controversy, but again, no one cared. When questioned by some drunk australians who claimed to have read the book, Wilmut simply responded that Hemmingway was dead, and he could do whatever he damn well pleased in a continent too intoxicated to notice.

Several weeks later, Wilmut denied all claims of trying to create a pokemon, and the project was thought to have ended. However, this is probably crap, seeing as how the Kimberly region of Australia is currently infested with a new bear-trap resistant rat that has a penchant for urinating on anyone that appears inebrieted. The whole of the Aboriginal people are calling for a mass extermination.


The newly dubbed pygmy kangaroo was introduced to a complete hell hole known as the Australian continent. Particularly, the Kimberly outback is where it thrives, though mass exterminations are currently being called for. While environmentalists and Michael Crichton agree with them, the Aboriginals, being a nomadic group, do not possess the funds necessary for this course of action. Crichton has offered to help, though he is recovering from a near lynching from a mob of angry environmentalists, and also refuses to spend his money on anything but his many settlements with journalists and his collection of various cacti related "play things".


The most detrimental aspct of the pygmy kangaroo is that they survive primarily off of maggots and scavenged peanuts. Seeing as how maggots thrive in the hell hole known as the Australian continent, the pygmy kangaroo seems to be quickly changing the Kimberly outback's unpredictable semi-arid pseudo-forest environment into a glistening example of nature similar to that of Yellowstone Park. The area's inexplicably growing number of nomadic bison are quicly running out the Aboriginals. The diet of the pygmy kangaroo is supplemented with deteriorating nuts, which there is now shortage of in Aboriginal vomit. Enough said.


Funnel web spiders, baby crocodiles, and the generally herbivorous koala are all major predators of the pygmy kangaroo, though this does not harm there numbers. Remember how in Jurraisic Park they filled in the dinosaur DNA with that of a-sexual frogs and wound up with a-sexual female dinosaurs? Wilmut somehow found DNA from those things in "Alien". Koalas across australia are suddenly blowing up and having small kangaroos burst from their entrails. Tourism of the nation has dropped 92%.

Attempts at Population Control

Dr. Wilmut's suggestion for population control is to simply convince Kentucky Fried Chicken to add a side of kangaroo to every order. Australian government officals have since quit explaining to him his current level of retardation. There seems to be some confusion in the Aboriginal communities, however, since their plan is simply to spread agent orange. They insist it worked on those "damn chinese monkeys", and that it should work on a bunch of stupid rats. While environmentalists accross the board are disgusted, the Russian government has noted that an inebrieted Australian president has phoned them requesting a large number of the chemical.

So far, the most efficient method has been to herd them north. Apparently, there is an unclassified species of penguin currently living in the Indian Ocean. And apparently, they enjoy eating the pygmy kangaroo like kippers.

The article had all the appropriate wikilinks, and templates, and whatnot, so I guess people only glanced at it briefly, and thought it was legitimate. But every word is offensive nonsense: I'm impressed that they got it to stick for so long.

(Original article, here, though don't be surprised if an admin has gotten to it by the time you read this.)

Labels: ,

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Woo! Defunct Blogs are Defunct.

That is all.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Were-Stingray Attacks!

We interrupt this blog to bring you this special news bulletin: A Florida Were-Stingray has sought revenge over the recent disappearance of New York's beloved Mr. McPancake. Read all about it here.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Poker and Hazardous Jelly (Part I)

Check out that ugly mug, eh? That's me, dressed up to play Forrest Stormbringer, a werewolf character, in our short-lived student-made TV series, New York By Night. It's also the picture I use as my PokerStars avatar, where I go by Echuck215.
That's why so many less scrupulous players call me a Nazi. (Apparently, Nazi's all have fake mohawks.)
Anyway, I'm going to start blogging about my exploits on PokerStars, and identifying some players that are, well, jerks. So, let's start with ROSOMAK. Imagine ROSOMAK has just spent 10 minutes being vulgar, and insulting everyone at the table with his mad chat prowess. Here then are the relevant bits to come after:

Echuck215: I just want you to know that there are those of us who play PokerStars, and are sick of people like you. I don't know what your deal is, but please consider at least being polite.
A FEMALE PLAYER: Echuck just block his chat all u see is stars and then u can think hes actully saying something intellegent
Echuck215: lol
ROSOMAK: bi tch
ROSOMAK: keep sucking
ROSOMAK: and u nazi
ROSOMAK: u look like a crap
#2 MALE: i have reported you to support using the instant hand history
#2 MALE: you really should just stop
ROSOMAK: i dont give a ** ck about itROSOMAK: u ** ckin g idiot]
#2 MALE: guess you don't want to play this site then
ROSOMAK: lick my balls
ROSOMAK: dont want to play it anymoreROSOMAK: too many foolers
ROSOMAK: grosse Menge von Idioten\]
ROSOMAK: mnostwo zjebanych w ryj zjebowROSOMAK: kumasz pedale jeden
A FEMALE PLAYER: lol i dont know what hes saying but i am assuming the more than one sylable is a challenger
ROSOMAK: ciagniej mi lache
ROSOMAK: dummes Tussi
ROSOMAK: blaz mir
ROSOMAK: magst du blazen?
A FEMALE PLAYER: hes probably a very angry 30 yr old who cant get laid
ROSOMAK: i wouldn wonder if i heard it from nazi
ROSOMAK: all americans are such idiots
A FEMALE PLAYER: hense why he cant get it either ......simply no personality
ROSOMAK: they dont know where they are
ROSOMAK: but u
#2 MALE: however i think he just likes the attention so bye bye ros****
ROSOMAK: suck me u loser
ROSOMAK: u old bi tch
ROSOMAK: i wouldnt vomit on u
ROSOMAK: and what about **** ing
ROSOMAK: u decay
A FEMALE PLAYER: they should have an idiot list and they only play with one and other
ROSOMAK: hahah
ROSOMAK: u are gettin old
ROSOMAK: and it hurts
ROSOMAK: u decay
Echuck215: ROSOMAK, what do you get out of this?
ROSOMAK: satisfaction
Echuck215: Why, if I may ask?
ROSOMAK: because it hurts
Echuck215: What hurts?
Dealer: ROSOMAK wins main pot
Dealer: Echuck215 finished the tournament in 1704th place
ROSOMAK: see ya

So you have an idea how this went now. I think my absolute favorite quote is "you look like a crap." That had me rolling on the floor. Wait 'till next time (PART II) when I reveal PokerStars' response, and my plan to deal with people like this.
Oh, and check out the hazardous jelly for a good laugh. Peace.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Whew, It's Been A While

Me, looking both excessively happy and ridiculous

Man, look how happy I am about the first game of UnMasqued! (Plus, I apparently suffer from the infamous "internet disease.")

Anyway, seriously: I'm really happy about our first game of UnMasqued. There was lots of great roleplaying all around, the new characters showing up were all hits, and everyone I've talked to had a great time. We even had an unexpected visit from Chloe (OC '06), my former housemate, providing wraithly NPC duty. Plus, the Sebau was kickass. Rumor has it the Sabbat may even show up next time!

I think I have good reason to be proud of all the hard work our new crew has done up until now. The improvements to the game (and obviously the website) are rapidly becoming apparent to all, and more improvements are yet to come. Not only that, but we've moved past the loss of long-time crew member Kevin Glasow, and introduced new Storyteller LG, and the new group is really gelling nicely.

There were only two things missing from this first game: our normal rooms (which we'll have starting next game), and new players. As such, I'm putting out a call to UnMasqued players: Please, help us recruit! I've run a college LARP long enough to realize the importance of getting new LARPers, especially freshman, introduced to the game early in the semester. Without them, the game will die, and the later they join, the less likely there are to stick around once midterms, finals or major campus parties hit. So if you want to see the game continue down the path to awesome, please spread the word!

On another note, as you can probably see by looking at earlier posts, the ChipIn fundraising experiment has ended. We raised a little bit of money, but not nearly $170. I wasn't expecting that to be a huge success, though, and I have many other ideas brewing about how to raise some cash so UnMasqued can cover costs (like printing sheets, appearance tags, item cards, and web-related things, among others). Look for sodas and candy to be on sale in the green room again. You can even bring the sodas to Club Sebau, where drinks won't be out of place. Also, I've been thinking about designing an UnMasqued T-shirt, to be sold through Cafe Press, or a similar service. And, starting next game, there will be a donations box. Every other LARP in the Cleveland area that I know of charges a site fee, usually $2, but UnMasqued does not do this for several reasons. However, contributions towards the administrative costs (currently paid for out-of-pocket by the STs) would be very appreciated.

In other news, the STs of UnMasqued have been invite to be guest-storytellers at an upcoming convention, hosted by the Ohio Gamers Alliance (or possibly Association, not sure which.) Unfortunately, this falls on an UnMasqued weekend, but fortunately, the invitation was for a three night LARP (Fri, Sat and Sun). We are currently checking to see if they would be amenable to making it just the weekend, because we are unwilling to cancel UnMasqued. We'll find out about that soon. However, the STs are busy people, and not all of us will be able to devote an extended weekend to storytelling (and as I know from experience, running a con LARP is no joke). Therefore, I am putting out another call to the players of UnMasqued: If you have any storytelling experience, interest, or optimally both and think you might like to help us run a convention LARP, please fire off an email to the storytellers, or to me personally.

Finally, a Dreamblade update. The Dreamblade $1K event in Wilder has been approved, and will definitely take place. Local fans of the great new game, rejoice! Also, I have passed my online exam, and am now a Dreamblade Rules Advisor (WoTC's initial pass at creating a core of certified Dreamblade judges) so if you have any questions about the game or would like to try it out with someone elses figures, you can contact me (in addition to stopping by Matrix).

And... that's it. Man, longest entry ever. Seriously.